My mind has always struggled to grasp big changes that are coming my way. I remember when I left Rome in 2018, it didn’t really sink in that I was moving – despite all the packing, cleaning and bags everywhere - until I sat in the cab to the airport. The same happened again when I left New York and now Tanzania. I can’t think of many big changes in my life that were not related to moving but am sure that I struggled to fully grasp them too.
With this upcoming change to life, which will in many ways be the most drastic and far-reaching change I’ve ever experienced, I had for some reason expected things to be different. For it to sink in and feel real at some point, for me to be crazy excited about what’s to come.
And there were lots of opportunities to help make it real: I once again gave up one life and moved continents. Tiny clothes were inspected and washed; diaper folding techniques researched and toiletries acquired; countless new pieces of furniture and equipment appeared; prams were de-dusted and rocking horses rescued from the side of the street. I read books and blogs, combed through endless lists of names, and watched the odd video on breathing techniques. At the same time, I grew from a normal-size human being to half a whale, waddling through the world more than walking.
One would have thought that these changes to my life, environment and body would be enough to make the new reality sink in… but it still doesn’t seem to be enough and I remain quite oblivious to it all.
I remember a few weeks ago when I hit T-50, I had a moment of panic and thought I really ought to be making the most of every day of “freedom” I have left… sleep in, see friends, travel, eat out… do all the things that would get so much harder so soon. And while I’ve tried to do this, I think life has largely continued as usually – maybe a wasted opportunity, maybe the much needed quiet before the storm.
By now I’m at T-8 and things still don’t feel real. But at least I have now accepted that the upcoming change is just too big for my brain to comprehend. The fact that life as I’ve known it is going to change so fundamentally, be uprooted and recentred is more than I can process. Maybe it is also more than I need to process and remaining somewhat calm and level-headed is not the worst way to start this new chapter of my life. It will feel real very soon, I'm sure - maybe it's time to enjoy the last bit of the old normality and stop worrying about if I can visualise what's to come or not.
With this upcoming change to life, which will in many ways be the most drastic and far-reaching change I’ve ever experienced, I had for some reason expected things to be different. For it to sink in and feel real at some point, for me to be crazy excited about what’s to come.
And there were lots of opportunities to help make it real: I once again gave up one life and moved continents. Tiny clothes were inspected and washed; diaper folding techniques researched and toiletries acquired; countless new pieces of furniture and equipment appeared; prams were de-dusted and rocking horses rescued from the side of the street. I read books and blogs, combed through endless lists of names, and watched the odd video on breathing techniques. At the same time, I grew from a normal-size human being to half a whale, waddling through the world more than walking.
One would have thought that these changes to my life, environment and body would be enough to make the new reality sink in… but it still doesn’t seem to be enough and I remain quite oblivious to it all.
I remember a few weeks ago when I hit T-50, I had a moment of panic and thought I really ought to be making the most of every day of “freedom” I have left… sleep in, see friends, travel, eat out… do all the things that would get so much harder so soon. And while I’ve tried to do this, I think life has largely continued as usually – maybe a wasted opportunity, maybe the much needed quiet before the storm.
By now I’m at T-8 and things still don’t feel real. But at least I have now accepted that the upcoming change is just too big for my brain to comprehend. The fact that life as I’ve known it is going to change so fundamentally, be uprooted and recentred is more than I can process. Maybe it is also more than I need to process and remaining somewhat calm and level-headed is not the worst way to start this new chapter of my life. It will feel real very soon, I'm sure - maybe it's time to enjoy the last bit of the old normality and stop worrying about if I can visualise what's to come or not.
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