Some people may have thousands of friends on Facebook, but research has shown that the maximum number of friends a person can realistically have is around 150. This can be broken down into smaller circles, down to a core of five friends. These are the people we meet regularly and speak to on a daily basis; friends with whom we share dreams, drinks and hangovers; people we have known for years and who will always be a part of our lives. Or so we think...
The other day a friend of mine pointed out a study, which found that people who enter a new relationship lose on average two friends from their core circle. Even though one friend is replaced by the new partner, overall the support network shrinks. It seems that we all like to think that we do not neglect our friends when starting a new relationship, but most of us will spend more time with the new partner and less with friends...
My sister Annie is a great example for this:
A few weeks ago Annie told me that her best friend recently started going out with her first boyfriend. Since then, my sister complained, Janna spent all her time with her first love and neglected Annie. I told her that this was (sadly) quite normal when people fall in love and that one day she would behave the same way. Almost insulted, Annie swore with hands on her heart that she would never ever neglect her friends for a guy. But a few days ago, Amor struck and Annie fell in love. Since then the world has stopped turning, the sky is pink and every second away from her sweetheart is physically painful. All of a sudden, Annie spends all her time with, talking to or about her boyfriend and friends don’t seem that important anymore…
So the researchers seem to be right - in the short run; but what about the long run? These days, the latest trend in Economics seem to be double-dip curves and being the fashionable Economist I am, I believe there may well be a double-dip relationship between friends and relationships…
My guess is that once past the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, the number of friends in the core circle grows again. Over time, we rebuilt old relationships or become closer to our partner’s friends and thereby increase our core of friends again. The Economist would say that the number of friends returns to its equilibrium value.
But as relationships get more serious, new obstacles for our friendships are likely to arise…
After a few years and endless arguments about the position of the toilet seat and the proper way to squish toothpaste, many couples decide to walk down the aisle together. But brides in beautiful dresses; receptions at ancient castles; three storey wedding cakes; and an open bar for hundreds of depressed single friends are expensive… So friends suddenly become a cost factor and couples may choose to reduce the size of their network to safe some cash for the honeymoon. This is unlikely to affect the core circle, but some more distant friends may well be crossed off the wedding list… And when the newlyweds change their Facebook status from “Engaged” to “Married” - sometimes straight after saying “I do” - they may well notice that they suddenly have less friends in their network...
I could spin this argument further and include new homes, kids etc, but the next big turning point on the relationship-friends curve is… the divorce! Once our “Happily Ever After” dreams have fallen into thousand pieces, we suddenly contact old friends again for consolation and conversations. As the pain of losing the love of our life eases, we had enough of crying on the couch and are ready to hit the clubs for cocktails with the new BFF. The core grows again...
Now you may think that my beautiful, fashionable double-dib relationship does not always hold. After all, some relationships, especially your own, are not going to end like this – you and your sweetheart will live happily ever after until death do you part - and you will not become a friendship opportunist.
But sadly this is actually quite unlikely…
Historically, the concept of monogamist relationships has a rather unromantic reason: it maximises the probability that offspring will survive. Later on, the church used this and declared that all decent god-fearing people should only be with one partner for the rest of their. The concept of “Happily Ever After” comes therefore from a time when people realistically lived until the age of 35 and were usually married for no more than 20 years. Nowadays, a never ending love affair will have to last four times as long as children born in developed countries today can reasonably expect to celebrate their 100th birthday.
How realistic is it then that we will be with one partner for the rest of our lives? Should we still strive for it or should we try but prepare ourselves for the case that it doesn’t work out?
The end of disillusionment may not be good news for Hollywood, but it might well be good news for friendships. As society abandons its beautiful but outdated dreams, people may adjust their priorities, realise the importance of friends again and be there for them in good times and bad times, in sickness and in health...
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