Let Psychology Rule Your (Love) Life!

I am sure all of you have been on long car journeys or in awkward quiet situations, where conversation had come to a standstill and someone felt like they had to say something – anything – to get it going again. Some of the usual conversation starters are “Anyone know a good joke?”, “What was your most embarrassing moment?” or “What was the first CD you ever bought”. I don’t know any jokes, and even though I don’t really want to share my most embarrassing moments, I have no problem admitting that my first ever CD was “Barbie Girl” by Aqua. So these silence-breakers aren’t really for me, but I quite enjoy “What would you like to do if money wasn’t an issue?” or “If you went back to uni now, what would you chose to study?” There are three reasons why I like these questions: firstly, I find it really interesting to see what other people want to be; secondly, they get me daydreaming about becoming a cook, librarian or conductor; and lastly, they give me a chance to share some fascinating facts about my latest addiction – Psychology!

Psychology studies don’t just offer fascinating insight into the weird and wonderful workings of the human mind, but can also provide you with great excuses to eat more ice cream; tell you for when to arrange that all important first date; and help you be sure that you’ve made the right decisions! Forget Cosmopolitan and Glamour, here’s your ultimate psychologists guide to life, love and happiness:

You’ve been single for a while now and have started to wonder whether there is something wrong with you. Your best friend suggests that you get one of her favourite self-help books “Ten Ways to Find Happiness” or “Discover Your Inner Goddess”!
Unfortunately you can’t afford to buy the books as you’ve just spent your last money on Ben & Jerry’s, and your friend can’t lend you her copies because she cannot possibly live without them anymore. You’re upset! You have just eaten your weekly calorie allowance in one sitting and remain without any enlightenment. But don’t despair, psychology will soon make you feel better: Not only is ice cream a powerful tool to boost happiness as it stimulates areas in your brain that are associated with really enjoying yourself (in a superior way to sugar), but your friend actually did you a favour by not giving you her books! Research showed that self-help books preaching positive self-statements actually lower the confidence of people who suffer from little self-esteem! Given this evidence, you forget about the books and treat yourself to some more ice-cream instead!
While enjoying a Whispa Caramel Spinner at Milky Lane, you see the cute guy who you’ve had a crush on for ages but never dared to speak to! Sadly, you feel that today won’t be any different – you’re wearing your comfy jeans, a baggy jumper, no make-up and are most likely to have chocolate sauce all over your face. But suddenly he walks over to you and as you start chatting, the guy forgets all about his ice cream and cannot keep his eyes of you! You think he must have lost his senses, but if you had read your “Psychology Today”, you would know that he is just following them: Men find women most attractive when they are ovulating (and this is also when women crave sweets the most). To succeed in the fight for survival and guarantee successful reproduction, theory suggests that men are most attracted to women when they are fertile. Conducting an experiment with lap dancers in a strip club (and calling that “work”!), researchers found that women who were ovulating (i.e. who were currently very fertile) earned almost double than those lap dancers, who were on the pill (i.e. suppressing their fertility)! So it seems that by spending your last money on ice cream rather than on contraception, actually helped you get a date with the guy!

All excited you tell your friend from Papua New Guinea about your date with the hot guy. While she is happy for you, she really doesn’t understand what you see in him – according to her, he looks like a real mummy’s boy. But before you get upset, kick her out and put her on the next plane back (thereby drastically increasing her risk of dying of cancer), hang on and let psychology rescue your friendship – your friend is simply expressing a mating preference which is determined by her economic background! Historically, masculinity signals a strong immune system and therefore a high probability of producing healthy children. Unfortunately these men are also the ones who are quite promiscuous and most likely to leave their partners for another woman (maybe one who is currently ovulating).


But as societies grow richer, their health systems tend to improve, child mortality rates decline and children with weaker immune system have the same chance of surviving. Consequently, women no longer need to look for very masculine men to ensure the survival of their children and can go for more feminine and less promiscuous ones instead. Studies have confirmed that there is an inverse relationship between women’s preferences for masculine features and national health systems! So your friend wasn’t trying to be mean, but purely comes from a country that doesn’t have a great health system yet! She has to go for masculine men to ensure her children get the best possible genetic background!

After realising this, you calmed down for a moment before panicking again – What should you wear for your date? Surely the right outfit - i.e. a short dress and high heels (sorry for stereotyping guys, I know that you all actually only care about our amazing inner values) - is really important, but the right perfume might be even more so! Wearing the right scent increases your confidence. Rocket science? Probably not! But studies showed that wearing the right perfume raises your self-esteem and affects the way you move and behave so much, that people find you more attractive even if they cannot smell the scent!
Knowing this you go out and buy the perfect perfume - this would actually be one to complement your genetic deficiencies (which is why other people or certainly those who don’t know you well should never buy you perfume). And when the big day comes, you are super prepared: You’ve arranged that all important “emergency call” to get you out of the date in case the guy turns out to be a weirdo; you’ve chosen a quiet but not overly intimate venue; you’re wearing the right perfume... and the short skirt! And as a reward for perfect planning, the date is incredible and before the night is over, you’ve already agreed to go out again! Awesome!

But shortly after your great date with the hot guy, your ex calls to tell you how much he misses you and begs for a second chance! You turn him down just to wonder whether this was the right decision after all … But don’t despair - psychology studies will come to your rescue yet again! Apparently all you have to do is wash your hands and you’ll feel better immediately! Research showed that if you’re unsure whether you’ve just made the right decision, you can literally “wash your doubts away”.
So using simple psychology tricks, you’ve got the guy you wanted, removed all uncertainty about whether he’s the one and can start to live happily ever after..!?! Unfortunately after a few months, the butterflies that almost upset your stomach have calmed down and you start to wish your guy was a bit more sensitive and caring. Well, British researchers may just have what you need: Nose spray! Apparently nose spray containing the hormone oxytocin makes men more thoughtful, understanding and attentive, helps them communicate their feelings better and even improves their ability to remember faces – in short, simple nose spray will make your guy more considerate and gentle and give him all the good qualities women have :)

So next time you need advice and guidance on how to live your life, don’t turn to astronomy or cosmopolitology; psychology and behaviour studies have all the answers and strategies you need and will never tell you not to have another scoop of ice cream!

Btw, I could have made this story really exciting by letting you find out that the guy is actually your cousin! And as everyone tells you that you cannot possibly be with him, you turn to psychology studies in despair and once again they will not disappoint you! While inbreeding too close increases the risk of disabilities and depression, outbreeding too far is not ideal either as genetic incompatibilities between partners make reproduction harder. Researchers have found that the optimal degree of outbreeding is between cousins of the third and fourth degree! So by staying with your cousin you can have many healthy children, which can all help to look after the growing number of pensioners. Clearly no-one would argue with that :)